Before children I had this magical illusion that my house was always going to be clean and my children would be perfectly well behaved, because…Well…I am an educator. I have a master degree. I am highly qualified. Well, then reality came crashing down when my oldest very quickly corrected this notion within the first few days of his life. I swear that child did not sleep for the first four months, and as a result, neither did I. Six years later, I am the mother of three boys and I thrive on six major concepts, which I am going to happily share with you. As mothers, we put an enormous amount of pressure of ourselves. Society creates these unfair and unrealistic expectations of motherhood. Somehow we are expected to have perfectly behaved children, a thriving marriage and an immaculate household all while keeping our sanity. Our mothers and grandmothers fought hard for women to gain an equal place in the workplace. The issue was the work of the home did not miraculously disappear, and instead, in many ways that important “home work” became invisible. This work only becomes visible to those around us when it is not done. “Mom, where is my library book?” or “Remember, I have a meeting tonight, so I won’t be home for dinner. Are you going to be okay with the kids alone?” or “Good afternoon, this is Dr. Costa’s office calling to remind you that you had an appointment today.” And let’s not even mention the seven loads of laundry you are pretending does not exist, because after all, this work is invisible right?

So how do I survive? No. How do I thrive most days as a mother of three boys with a ridiculous amount of animals? I embrace these six major concepts.

1. Get yourself a “Mom Tribe”

Matriarchal tribes are not a new fad. Cultures all over the world have long recognized, and valued the importance of a group of mothers helping each other. For example, the indigenous peoples living in the village of Kraho, believe children should have many mothers. In fact, they even have an all encompassing word for their mother of birth, biological aunts and friends of their mother. “Inxe” implies children do not differentiate between these matriarchal relationships. Chimpanzees and gorillas, some of our closest relatives in the animal kingdom, also participate in “mom tribes” and band together to raise their offspring. I am of the opinion that motherhood is a nation. I have a responsibility to build up the women around me, and reach out a hand when in need. When I was a new mom, my parents and stepmom called me every single day to check in on me. I also had friends who offered for me to contact them day or night. Despite my overinflated ego (thinking I would be the next best thing to motherhood), the reality was I NEEDED support. I did not have all the answers and my previous experience did virtually nothing to prepare me for motherhood. (spoiler alert – I still do not have all the answers.) God bless my mom tribe. These amazing women keep me sane and support me. They pull me back down to earth when my anxiety threatens to carry me away, and offer words of support when I need them. These are the women who love me without judgement. They build me up and straighten my crown when needed. They encourage me to exercise, and take care myself. They watch my children so I can take a much needed self-care break. These are the women who have seen me in my bathrobe, wearing my yoga pants with my hair a mess – no make up. These are the women I can call anytime, anywhere. They are the women I can go out with until midnight on a Tuesday, because we can finally talk to other adults without interruption. You know who you are 😉. These are the women who make it possible for me to be a mom. So, how do you get yourself a mom tribe? A lot of my favorite moms are actually my children’s friends’ moms or co-workers from school. I also belong to a few mom groups on Facebook and have attended different mom support groups offered through my local hospital. It takes guts to put yourself out there, but once you do, you realize there is a whole world of moms just like you. You are not alone. It takes a village, indeed.

2. Readjust your expectations…Then readjust them again.

I recently started a post on Facebook designed to reframe how we look at the mess in our homes. Social media can be great, but it can also be super damaging to our self-esteem. When we see all these “friends” posting pictures of their perfectly dressed children in their perfectly clean homes it can automatically make us feel less than adequate. Why can’t I get my children to behave for photos? Why can’t I keep my house clean? Something is wrong with me. No. Nothing is wrong with you, mama. What those photos do not show is the five loads of laundry hidden around the corner or the four year old who just had a class five meltdown in the middle of the grocery store. Instead of only capturing the perfect moments, what would happen if we readjusted that camera’s lenses and our expectations to INCLUDE the mess. Let’s get real. That mess is beautiful. It’s beautiful not because I enjoy tripping over toys all day long, but it is beautiful because of what I do instead of cleaning it. It represents what I was blessed to do, because the reality is we are often engaged in much more meaningful activities than cleaning. Now let’s say you just cannot function in the mess. I get it. After everyone goes to bed at night, I sometimes stay up for a half hour just to clean things up. This way things are neat and tidy for even a few hours. Somehow that makes me feel better. Overall though, it’s important for me to focus on progress, not perfection. I need to take the pressure off of myself, and live my life. It’s called a “living room” for a reason. It’s time to live.

4. Self-care

I want you to imagine you are on an airplane and you are about to take off. The flight attendant is doing their safety spiel about how you must put on your own facemask before you help someone else with their facemask. Say what? I remember hearing this and thinking: “Yeah right, lady! My child comes first!” Well, after three children and some life experience, I have learned why they say this to their passengers. I simply cannot be the best version of myself without first taking care of myself. In other words, self-care is one of the best ways I can take care of my children and those I love. They deserve the best of me, and I cannot give what I do not have. Therefore, I need to meet my five “tions”. I learned about these “tions” during a professional development workshop run by Life is Good. Your five “tions” are: oxygenation (exercise), hydration, restoration, socialization, and nutrition. Without fail, any time I feel frazzled or overwhelmed it is typically, because one of my “tions” is depleted. It reminds me of that Sims computer game. The basic concept was keeping this person alive by making sure all their levels were high enough. Their levels closely resembled the “tions”. Well, guess what? I am now playing the real life version of that with myself.

6. Pray, wait, trust. God has a plan.

I saved the best for last. I am a firm believer in trusting your higher power. For me, my higher power is God and without Him I would be lost. When left to my own devices, I easily become overwhelmed and spiral into negative thinking. I have this great sign located by my keurig where I will be sure to see it several times a day. It reads: “Pray, wait, trust. God has a plan.” I have no problem talking to God. My struggle comes in the waiting and trusting part. It is in my nature to try to micromanage things. Move over God, I just want to tweak this small, little thing. Eek. In my experience, all disasters start with that phrase. Instead, the real magic happens when I have faith that everything will work out according to God’s plan even if it doesn’t align to my plan. “When you choose faith over fear, you activate God’s power.”

To sum it up, “momming” is an Olympic sport. The work is often hidden unless it is not done. Then, suddenly, everyone has an opinion. I get by with help from my mom tribe, managing my expectations, practicing self-care, accepting help and having faith. As always, I am simply sharing my experience with you in the hopes something is helpful. Take what you like and leave the rest. Oh yeah…If no one told you this today: You are doing a great job. Keep showing up, because you’re worth it.

PS – My living room is clean for the evening minus that unfolded basket of laundry. (It’s progress, not perfection, remember?) Also, I am happy to report Oscar is on speaking terms with me again after finally getting a spa day. We got this buddy.